Try This: Don’t Think of a White Bear

by Mendel

in Childhood Education,Therapy Approaches

There! You are thinking about a white bear right now.

As much energy as you’re putting in not to think of a white bear, you can’t help yourself but think of one.

It’s a paradox which we as parents and teachers often bind ourselves with. We might tell a child who presents with hyperactivity to sit still, not to move. Consider the child for a moment, all she can do is think of moving.

The best case scenario is that the child will sit still, but that’s where all her energy is going to go. she will have to focus one hundred percent of her attention toward the task of sitting still. She will not be able to learn, listen, or be productive.

And, as time goes on, she will move. She will have to move, just like you just had to think of a white bear. She might get in trouble for fidgeting and moving, but she will have to.

Wouldn’t it just be better if we would allow children to move in the first place? Children are meant to move. Movement helps all children learn better.  Shouldn’t we stop demanding that children stop thinking of a white bear?

Tagged as: Behavior Management, Childhood Achievements, Childhood Development, Childhood Education, Classroom Function

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Thomas Edison Was a Bad Boy!

by Mendel

in Parenting

We all want our children to be good. No one wants to be called by a teacher or principal with a complaint about a misbehaving child. Yet, obedience comes at a steep price.

The price is creativity and healthy independence.

Every creative endeavor pushes the boundary of what others considered normal. By definition, every creative individual is disobedient and noncompliant. Otherwise, we would never say, “Wow!” We would never be surprised.

Independent and creative people always test limits, break rules, and take risks. It’s what makes them great.

Thomas Edison was ferociously curious and at the age of six, experimenting with fire, he burnt his family’s barn to the ground. His parents were not happy with what he did, but they did not stifle his creativity and independence. Now imagine for a moment his parents hanging a smiley sticker chart above his bed and giving him a sticker for every time he was obedient. Imagine them rewarding him for every time he did not tinker and experiment with “dangerous stuff.” We would probably still be reading to the light of a candle.

I’m not advocating wild disobedience and lawless childhood. What I am suggesting is that we start allowing our children to take more risks, be a bit more independent, and experiment creatively. We should maintain healthy boundaries to their behavior, but we shouldn’t be chokeholding their every move.

We should allow for mistakes and failures, because these are the most important ingredients of success. We should worry less or at least keep our worry to ourselves instead of instilling it into our kids.

Tagged as: Childhood Mental Health, Creativity in Children, Independence, Parenting

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The Banana is Missing

by Mendel

in Parenting

My brother is a marketer. He creates advertisements and websites for companies and organizations.

He has recently worked on an ad campaign for a restaurant. They wanted to spread the word about a new line of smoothies they were selling. He made a beautiful banner with mouth-watering pictures and great punchy copy.

He emailed it to the client. A short while later the client responded, “The banana is missing.”

That was the only feedback he got from the client. No positive comment on his work. Only four words on what was missing.

Here’s the question to us parents: When our child comes home from school with a report card, do we instantly look for what’s missing, or do we first look for what is present?

When our children do their homework or complete an exam, do we reflexively point out the negative?

We might like a banana on our ads. We might like our children to bring home report cards with straight A’s. We don’t always get what we want, however. It’s fine to encourage our children to do better, but it’s not fine to automatically and exclusively point out the negative.

Tagged as: Childhood Education, Childhood Mental Health, Motivating Children, Parent-Child Relationships, Parenting, Praising Children, Report Cards

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Give Your Children Some White Space

by Mendel

in Parenting

In a previous life, I used to be a graphic designer. My greatest challenge was to avoid overcluttering the page. I wanted to give my clients all I got. I wanted to show off with every trick in the book.

It was difficult to restrain myself from going overboard. It was hard to know when to stop. It was even harder to know when to take something off the page.

I had to work very hard to appreciate the white space. The margins. Between the lines.

It’s also often a challenge to allow ourselves to give our children some white space. Time to be silly. Periods to do nothing. It doesn’t take long before the “doer” in us starts cross examining us whether little Johnny isn’t perhaps wasting his time.

So we naturally jump in and schedule every waking moment of little Johnny’s life. Piano lessons, tutors, choir practice, etc. We design his day to be “productive.” And we forget to leave some white space.

White space is important because it lets children relax. It gives them a chance to veg out. To unwind. Overcluttering their schedules will give you the illusion that you are doing so much for your kids, but all you’re really doing is making them busy. Busy and cluttered.

Tagged as: ach, Childhood Achievements, Childhood Education, Childhood Mental Health, Parenting

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Your Young Child’s Achievements Should be the Least of Your Worries

by Mendel

in Parenting,Therapy Approaches

There’s a wonderful African proverb:

When you plant a tree, never plant only one. Plant three – one for shade, one for fruit, one for beauty.

Children, nowadays, are at an ever increasing demand to perform and produce. We worry about their test scores, report cards, IQ scores, etc. We buy them educational toys when they are only two weeks old. We think of their admission to Harvard when they’re only two years old.

We worry almost exclusively about the fruit they produce, neglecting in the process the important beauty and shade they are capable of emanating.

It’s easy to see children at play as a waste of time. However, snatching the doll and replacing it with alphabet flashcards is a huge mistake. Real learning in childhood comes from play, not from rote memorization and parroting.

Learning about the world, gaining social skills, and practicing impulse control and self-regulation doesn’t result from flashcards and boring drills. It comes directly through pretend play, acting silly, and exploring various imaginary roles.

It results from the trees planted for beauty and shade, not from the trees planted for fruit.

While your three year old might be able to write her name, ask yourself if this fruit comes at the expense of beauty and shade, social skills, creativity, and self-regulation.

Tagged as: Childhood Achievements, Childhood Development, Importance of Play, Impulse-Control, Parent-Child Relationships, Parenting

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Lesson From a Dead Goldfish

by Mendel

in Motivational

My son and I went to the local fair. We brought home two goldfish. This morning, as I was about to feed them, one fish was dead.

It was floating at the top of the bowl.

I was standing there wondering, why is the dead fish on the top and the live one on the bottom? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?

It reminded me of the story Malcolm Gladwell tells in his book Outliers of Chris Langan.  Langan has an IQ (195) which is higher than Einstein’s (150). Yet what does he do with his day? Not much.

Langan hasn’t contributed to society in proportion to his IQ.

The moral? Your child may be brilliant. He may perhaps have an IQ higher than Einstein. You have to ask yourself, though, so what? It might bring you pride when you can boast your child’s IQ scores on the park bench. But will it, by itself, really benefit your child?

On the other hand, we who have children with average or below IQ scores, should stop ringing our hands in despair. We may not have bragging rights, but we also have to ask ourselves the same question, so what?

A fish that is on the bottom or a child with a low IQ may, for all we know, be alive and well. While the fish on the top or the child with the 195 IQ score has much bigger things to worry about.

Our focus should not be to boost meaningless numbers but to raise functional, independent, happy children.

Tagged as: Childhood Development, Childhood Education, IQ Scores, Parenting, Potential of Children

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20 Gifts You can Give Your Child Right Now at No Cost to You

by Mendel

in Parenting

From xbox-induced violence to iPad addictions, our kids have so much stuff. The price of stuff keeps dropping, and even when we can’t afford the brand name device we can still buy the knockoff. We live in abundance.

Yet, what is becoming increasingly apparent is that the greatest commodity nowadays is not money. It’s not stuff money can buy either. Gold? Diamonds? Real estate? No.

The greatest commodity is attention.

Everybody in the world is clamoring and bidding for us to attend to them. From the huge Lexus billboards on the side of the highway to the panhandler at our doorsteps. Everybody wants our attention. They want it now.

Our kids want our attention too.

Let’s think about the great competition our kids are facing. They are competing for the same thing giant corporations like Coca-Cola and Nike are competing for. They are desperately trying to outperform Twitter and Facebook. They want us to choose them. They want us to look at they’re advertising rather than at what their competitors are peddling.

Buying our kids stuff is easy. We swipe the card or drop a buck and we’re on our merry way. However, did you ever wonder why it’s called “paying” attention? It’s because when we attend there’s a real transaction taking place. We are at that moment giving our kids a gift that cannot be bought with a swipe or a buck, and it’s a gift that stays forever.

I think that the greatest gifts are those that are free and quick. The most precious gifts are these that leave colorful and vivid memories of happiness and love. We can create these memories every single day. We can plant them for free. We can plant them at no monetary cost at all. Here are a few ideas:

Hugs: These are as powerful as Prozac. Hugging your child releases oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin (aka happy brain chemicals) in their brains. It also reduces stress hormones in their bodies.

Smiles: These are still the unparalleled crooked lines that can make everything right. Plus smiling even when you don’t feel particularly happy will make you and your child happier.

Say I love you: The three words every child should hear every single day. Real love is unconditional. It assures the child that they’re accepted for who they are. Say it sincerely.

Be silly: Engaging in silly play with your child will bring the two of you closer. Bring down those imaginary boundaries by  making a couple of funny faces and sound effects.

Get on the floor: Likewise, get down to their level. Let them climb on you. Lift them over you. For a moment, see the world from their perspective.

Ask them about them: “How was you day?” When asked meaningfully it’s a gift your child will always remember. Take a moment to sit down beside your child and really ask the question.

Compliments: Go beyond, “Good job.” Think about what specifically you’re complimenting. Be sincere and descriptive. Praise effort, not talent. Well thought out compliments stay with our children. They are permanent gifts.

Let them take a risk: It’s easy to always say “No,” to our kids under the guise of protecting them. Helicopter parenting is slowly dying, but we need more. Saying “Yes,” and letting your child take a risk will allow them to spread their own wings, rather than flying on yours forever.

Let them make a mistake: There are so many great reasons you should let your child make a mistake. With support, it’ll teach them how to solve problems, it’ll build their self-confidence, and it’ll show them you have trust in their competence and abilities.

Be present: At the heart of all these gifts is paying attention. When you’re with your child, be there. It’s easier said than done, and it’s oh so cliche. It must be mentioned, though, because presence is far more appreciated than presents.

Read them a book: It’s more than just a story you’re giving them. It has been shown that children who are read to are far more successful in school than their peers. Jumpstart your child’s literacy and language skills by reading aloud to them.

Play with them: Play is the door to the child’s world. It’s the stage on which their life develops. It is through play that children express themselves. Don’t you want to be part of it?

Put your cellphone down when they come over to you: Show them they can win the competition for your attention. They are desperately competing, and their advertising budget might not be as large as the Blackberry’s. Help them win the attention bid.

Tuck them in at night: All it takes is a moment. They might even be asleep. But ending the day with warmth and love is a true gift. Take a moment and appreciate the rhythm of their breath.

Validate their feelings: Sorry, adults. Kids have feelings just like we, big people do. Their anger might upset us. Their giddiness may at times get on our nerves. Their feelings are still there. Show them that what they feel is real and ok by giving them the gift of validation.

Give them choices: Choices represent freedom. They also represent responsibility. Let them choose and have both, freedom and responsibilities. It can apply to choices from chocolate or vanilla to camping or bowling. Give the gift of choice.

Piggy back rides: Children crave them. It costs less than the quarter ride in front of the pharmacy. It’s fun. And they’re usually short. Need more reasons?

A goldilocks challenge: As I wrote a while back, children need to be challenged in order to develop and grow. Give them the gift of a challenge that’s not to difficult and not too easy. But just right.

Listen: When your kids are with you, be an active listener. Beyond, “uhu, I hear you.” Listening is more than hearing. Show them you’re listening to them by being an active listener. Listening is a verb, an action. Make them feel heard.

A Gmail account: Register a gmail account in your child’s name before someone else gets it. A friend of mine told me he did it a week after his son was born. I thought it was cute.

Give your child gifts. But always remember, the best gifts are not expensive, not necessarily time consuming, and not very large. They do, however, leave lasting memories, build character, promote enduring love, and implant self-esteem in children.

Tagged as: Benefits of Play, Childhood Development, Childhood Mental Health, Motivating Children, Parent-Child Relationships, Parenting, Positive Parenting

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Do You Control too Much or too Little?

by Mendel

in Parenting,Therapy Approaches

The FAA caught five air traffic controllers asleep on the job in the last few months. Others were found watching movies while they were supposed to be keeping our skies safe.

Pretty scary, hu?

Imagine the opposite, though. An air traffic controller who doesn’t stop bugging the pilots. He’s on the radio from takeoff to landing with constant inane commentary. “Ok, now, pull that lever. Got it? Good. Don’t forget the seatbelt. Good job! There’s a cup holder on your left side. Nice.”

Wouldn’t it be even worse than those who were caught asleep or watching movies. The pilots would wish these air traffic controllers were asleep.

We are our children’s air traffic controllers. We should of course not be asleep on the job. But constant commentary is going to make our children wish we were.

Yelling “Good job” at a rate of one per minute is useless. It does nothing to increase a child’s self-esteem or improve their performance.

Like air traffic controllers,we should pipe in with useful feedback when we’re needed. We should stay out, yet alert, when we’re not needed.

Bon Voyage.

Tagged as: Behavior Management, Childhood Achievements, Childhood Development, Childhood Education, Childhood Mental Health, Complimenting, Parent-Child Relationships, Parenting

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Give Your Child a Big Eraser for Big Mistakes

by Mendel

in Parenting,Therapy Approaches

I was in the drug store the other day and saw this eraser hanging.

All mistakes, big and small, can be fixed. Or erased. They can all be corrected.

What cannot be corrected is a child’s lost opportunity to make mistakes. Making mistakes and learning from them teaches so much. It builds confidence, esteem, trust, and expertise.

We often don’t want to see our children struggle, so we jump in and prevent them from making errors. Every time we do so, our children lose a valuable opportunity. They miss a valuable lesson in how true learning happens.

Instead of jumping in to prevent a mistake, observe closely and help your child learn from it after it happens. Ask guiding questions: What went wrong? Why didn’t you succeed? What can you do different next time?

This kind of analysis and thinking is what sets apart the great and successful from the mediocre. Successful people learn from their mistakes. Mediocre people hide under the table.

Knowing how to handle mistakes is the biggest eraser you can give your child. It not only erases the mistake, it also turns it into a lesson learned.

Tagged as: Childhood Achievements, Childhood Development, Childhood Education, Classroom Function, Executive Functioning Skills, Parent-Child Relationships, Parenting, Potential of Children, Working Memory

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Yes!

by Mendel

in Parenting

Eighty percent of all communication from us to our children is negative and limiting.

No. Don’t go there. Didn’t I tell you not to? How many time do I have to tell you to stop? Etcetera.

This constant barrage of negative messaging influences our kids to be cautious, walk on their toes, and avoid risk. It might make our life as parents a bit easier and less stressful. Yet, it turns our children into inert, dull, and hyper-obedient adults.

We are essentially clipping their wings.

Setting limits is important, but it’s vital to inspect the parameters of these limits. Are you placing barriers that are caging in your child’s creative spark and spirit?

Are your limits akin to an electric fence keeping pets in line? Does your child get shocked with a “No” every time he tries to test the limits?

I’m not suggesting free reign. Nor am I suggesting we all become yes-parents. I think we should, however, bring down the level of negative messaging we send our kids from eighty percent.

Let’s practice Yes.

Tagged as: Childhood Achievements, Childhood Education, Communication, Creativity in Children, Parent Child Communication, Parent-Child Relationships, Parenting, Positive Parenting, Potential of Children

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