Give Your Child an A, and Set Them Free

Coming off several years of schooling, I have been going through a phase of transition in various areas. I am no longer being graded on everything I do, and it feels interesting.

I always felt that being in school provided me with a sense of safety. You attend, read the syllabi, figure out what is wanted by your professors, work hard and execute, and get a grade.

The problem, however, is that safety borne by being graded doesn’t take you very far. It gets you through school. It may help get you into prestigious institutions. However, once you’re out in the real world, it’s discontinuation shows you how dependent you’ve become on the grade.

Since you’ve been programmed to follow the outline as closely as possible, you’re likely to shy away from innovation and creativity. You’re likely to defend and preserve the status quo, becoming just another singular piece of the vast puzzle following the proverbial outline. You become conditioned to not stand out. You are afraid to shine, scared to draw any attention to what you do.

You fear not getting that A.

Needless to say, children go through the same process. They are conditioned to go for the A. Understanding what is being covered, appreciating the content, and building on it, is overshadowed by the need to satisfy the graders and their red pens.

The school is not the only place children worship the A. The A represents how one child compares against another child. It doesn’t speak to an individual child’s abilities, strengths, or weaknesses. Therefore, any other place that gauges a child in comparison to others – for example, a child compared to siblings – encourages the child to work toward comparing well but not toward performing and being great.

What if you would give your child an A before even beginning? Is it possible to set them free from living their day to day life striving for an A and fearing a B or a C? Can all this energy be spent on letting each child be as great as they, individually, can be – without lame grade comparisons?

Benjamin Zander is the conductor of the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra. He is also a professor at the New England Conservatory of Music. He starts every year with 30 fresh students. The first thing he tells his new students is that he is giving them all, right then and there, an A. The class he teaches does not subsequently turn into a free-for-all circus. Rather, with his guidance and the students’ commitments, the students shine.

One by one, they learn to let go of the need to compare themselves to others, they begin developing organic individualistic talent, and they work toward goals more meaningful than a shiny capital letter next to their names. In fact, Mr. Zander’s class has a much lower rate of absences, and the students report feeling less anxious to be attending his classes.

Of course, grades are here, it seems, to stay. I wouldn’t want to be seen by doctors who didn’t pass their licensing board exams. The point Mr. Zander teaches us, however, is that in some areas we should be willing to let go of the notion that there is only one right way of doing something. Our way. We should be willing to  give a child an A from the get go, allow them to not follow an outline once in a while, and be creative.

If there are many roads to Rome, should children be encouraged to take some of the less traveled ones?

Related posts:

1. Give Your Child a Big Eraser for Big Mistakes
2. The Instilling Learned Optimism Series: How to Give Compliments
3. Play Time: Kids Need Invaluable, Old-Style, Free-Form Fun

Tagged as: Childhood Achievements, Childhood Mental Health, Creativity in Children, Expectations of Children, Grades, Parent-Child Relationships, Potential of Children